Me Too

"I feel like you are expecting me to be perfect and your words sound harsh to me, that's why I'm crying!"

Her frustration and vulnerability mix in the sound of her voice, tears flowing over it all, in a rush of fear and obedience.

I have done it again. My selfishness has hurt her again. Not wanting to take the time to explain or to participate in the answer, I expect her to KNOW why, to just do it, and get over it. Move on.

But she's just a child. My child. One whom I have unintentionally hurt with my words, my tone, my actions...or inactions, as it may be.

My heart just breaks as I wonder how many times this has happened and she's not had the courage to say so.

Through tears of my own I thank her for being honest, for telling me truth even if it hurts. And I apologize for asking too much, for letting her think I expect perfection. Do I expect her to be perfect? It sure would be easier....But no, I just want her to be her. The best her she can be. She's the only oldest child I have and I just want her to be the person God made her to be. Everything else is just fluff, just extra.

In the quiet darkness of my room I cry out to God and tell Him this life is too hard, and I'm tired of trying to be perfect, and if I'm honest, sometimes He just seems harsh.

"Who says you have to be perfect, child? I just want you to be you. You bring Me much glory and joy when you are living out in pure authenticity exactly who I created you to be. This life is hard, so lean into Me, come to know Me in the daily moments of each hour, learn to trust Me, I am worth your trust. The more you come to know Me, the more you will be able to be you. I love you so."

Truth washes over my heart and I struggle to believe. I'm tired. And not yet ready to cave into His arms in surrender.

Hours pass, and as I check on her sleeping form and kiss her head 'good night' warm tears splash down and hit her pillow. The love I have for this child is intense and burns my heart sometimes. How in the world could I ever not have time for her and her questions, and her playing, and her talking, her incessant talking? She brings such joy to me when she's living out the essence of who she is and not living out of fear...I think these things to myself.

And quite suddenly I hear Him whisper in my heart, "Me too, sweet one. Me too."