This post is not for the faint of heart. So, I won't mind a bit if you skip this post and move on to another one. Hopefully my next one will be nicer. Today, I'm about to swear.
We were on our way to see mom-in-law at the hospice place and its about a 25 minute drive. And it hit me that some time very soon, it would be our last drive there. I wondered if we would be panicked or crying or just numb to emotion. And what we would be like on our last drive home? The thought caused a lump in my throat the size of Montana. That last drive is going to be soon. And I hate it.
I hate it for me and how much I am going to miss her. I hate it for my kids and how they will not grow up having her in their life or my baby not ever getting to have a memory of her or know just how much her grandmother LOVED her and ADORED her. I am so jealous for my kids to have a lifetime of memories with her...having a special seat for her at their weddings, telling her their secrets, going to her house when they were sick of their own....I hate it for my mother-in-law and this horrible fight she has been in for over a year now and how FRUSTRATING it must be to know you are losing. Losing time. Losing memories. Losing out on watching your family grow around you. I HATE watching my man suffer in silence, trying to be "the man", watching the apple of his eye slip away....
I hate it. I just plain hate it and right now, the only thing that even come close to remotely satisfying this horrible ache I have is to say that this is just plain shitty. That's all it is: just plain shitty. And I make no apologies for it. Death sucks. It just sucks.
I think God thinks its pretty shitty too.
I am SO sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine. And you are right. It does suck and it is just plain shitty.(I'm a virgin swear typer). And I agree with you that I bet God thinks it is shitty too. Our pastor talked about this very thing today in one of the last services he will preach as he is quickly losing his just over a year battle with Lou Gehrig's disease. So hard to see such a vibrant, animated preacher/teacher of the Word confined to a wheelchair and barely able to speak. And yet he maintains that God hates the ugly things of life but He stands with us through them. He never leaves us. A hard concept to grasp in the midst of all the pain. Saying a prayer for you now that you and your family can feel Him standing with you. Again...so sorry for what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteYou are just so sweet Rhonda! Thank you for your words of comfort and affirmation. I had a weak moment last night and writing that post was theraputic. I think God prefers raw honesty verses smiling on the outside and cursing up a storm on the inside. We sometimes have to smile on the outside around our kids, strangers, etc., but not with God...not with Him.... thanks again for sharing. I love hearing from you!
ReplyDelete